DescriptWe usually think of this the other way around. We get motivated and then we act. And it’s great when things work out that way, but very often they don’t and we end up stuck, wondering how to make ourselves feel what we think we need to feel in order to act. I try to stress the importance of not waiting to attain any particular emotional state or mindset before doing things that matter to us. The secret is that once we start actually doing these things, that energetic, motivated feeling we hoped for often begins to emerge.ion text goes here

Description text goes hereIf we’re going to work towards acting before we feel fully ready we need the ability to experience  nervousness, insecurity, anxiety, or fear without letting it stop us. Once we recognize that all of these feelings are a collection of uncomfortable,  largely physical, sensations that don’t necessarily predict anything about our ability to act or the magnitude of the threats we face, it gradually becomes easier to allow ourselves to simply feel what we’re feeling and keep on going.

Description text goes hereThere we are trying to enjoy a nice evening at home when suddenly anxiety grabs hold of our attention and insists that we worry incessantly about the future. What if instead of having our attention captured by emotional bullies we were able to direct our attention where we wanted it? On our friends and family. On our work. On a beautiful summer day. The good news is that controlling our attention is a super power we can practice and strengthen. Once we do, those emotional bullies are free  to demand our attention but they might find that we’re no longer listening.

Sometimes we let ourselves down. We don’t study as much as we should for that big test and we get a bad grade. We aren’t quite as nice to a family member as we know we should be. Often these things set off a storm of  self-recriminations. How could I be so stupid and irresponsible? Why am I such a jerk?  These tendencies grow out of an understandable desire to regulate our worst tendencies, but it’s important to recognize that there’s being honest with ourselves and then there’s being cruel to ourselves. The first one can be useful, even necessary, while the second one never is. I urge all of my clients to treat their failings as they would the failings of a beloved friend—with honesty, with understanding, and with kindness.

Item descOur brain is our most trusted advisor. We rely on it to evaluate whatever life throws at us and  guide our reactions. Due the importance and intimacy of this relationship  it’s natural for us to take the things our brain says pretty seriously. But the truth is this miraculous organ, which sends us a steady stream of thoughts all day long, is fallible. Some of the thoughts it sends us are accurate and  important. Some of them are flat out wrong. Some of them are simply irrelevant. Our problem is that it’s not always easy to know which is which. That’s why coming to view our  thoughts as a series of suggestions—sometimes driven by our own fears and biases—rather than a series of truths can go a long way towards helping us not make some of our worst mistakes.ription

If there’s one idea I come back to the most it’s probably this one. Even at the best of times our world can be a chaotic and scary place. People we love become sick and die. We grow old. Injustices abound. Often, we feel trapped in a world we don’t control and can barely understand. Faced with this, we’re all doing whatever we think we need to do to manage the uncertainty and fear that comes with being alive. This is true of the best people you know and the worst. Accepting it allows us to bring more compassion to ourselves and to the rest of the world.

There are many ways we try and manage living in an uncertain world. One of these is to create a consistent story about who we are.  I am a dedicated family man. I am a shrewd businessperson. I am a thrill seeking wild card. I am a selfless caregiver.  The world may be chaotic and confusing, we tell ourselves, but not me.  I am stable and predictable. Like many of our coping strategies, doing this is  understandable and undeniably comforting, but there are downsides too. These sorts of unequivocal identity stories flatten and simplify who we are. They act as if we aren’t complicated, sometimes contradictory beings in a constant process of change and growth. And, like anytime we try to deny reality, this inevitably leads to internal conflict and suffering.  So while there’s nothing absolutely wrong with this identity making (and it may be unavoidable) we should try to hold these stories about ourselves loosely. More “I tend to be” rather than “I am.” We’re not one thing. We’re a process.

The honest truth is that therapy won’t entirely eliminate anxiety, depression, insecurity, or uncertainty. As troubling as these things can be they are a normal part of being human. What therapy can do is give us tools to manage these challenges more effectively, day-in, day-out. Maintaining good mental health, like maintaining good physical health, is a lifelong project.